It's That Time Again

So, I'm a fiance now. Never thought I'd be saying that. The Darkness has grown smaller. It can no longer consume me. It can still hurt me, but it can't win right now. What was it's downfall, you may ask? Time. I have no time to worry about it, thus it became less significant. Maybe that was the trick all along...just ignore it.

...wouldn't that be a kick in the pants?

Does Anyone Really Care About/Read This Anymore?

It's been quite some time. Time heals all wounds, but in healing scars are left. My scars run deep, but are no longer wounds.

I still live with the fear that I will be eternally alone, even though I am with a great girl now. I still fear this as said girl comes with a smaller and much younger girl attached. I don't know if I am paternal material so I feel she will eventually leave me.

I also worry about my wanderlust nature. Will I get tired of her? I hope not, cuz that's not fair to her and it proves that I will never find someone to be happy with.

The darkness sits at bay, for now. I know it is waiting to consume me.

...And A Fine "Fuck You" To You Too

I am lonely. Pure and simple. No flowy metaphors. No high-minded explinations. Just a plain statement. I have friends and that's all well and good. It's just that as I see my life draining away (my 29th birthday is next week), I feel the sting of not being with that special someone a bit more. I fear I have set my standards too high. I may be looking for too much. There is a limit to what you can achieve with limited resources and I am just that, limited resources. I want a young woman, but young women are attracted to young men and I stopped being (acting) young over a decade ago. I don't want a stupid woman, but it seems young and stupid kinda go hand in hand. I want a pretty woman (I know I am shallow for it), pretty people are attracted to other pretty people and I am not a pretty person. I want someone I can relate to, and as the days slip by, I think that is never going to happen.


...maybe this is just the first step in becoming a real vampire. ...maybe this is fate's path for me. ...it still doesn't make it any easier.

A Cold Bitter Season

I note more and more the hardening of my friends' hearts. Endeavors of money, power, and glory steel their emotions into a cold, unyielding mass. I begin to wonder if there is something wrong with me. Contemplating why my heart doesn't grow cold. Why am I not jaded against humanity? I have reason to be. Fate and life have gotten me down. I have had a terrible run of bad luck. I tried to be bitter and cold. Although I seemed like it on the outside, my true feelings were far from those things. An iron heart would help so much...but I am destined to keep the flesh one for what seems like forever.

Poltergeist Past

It was March of 2003. I was getting over "the girl that was the one" dumping me in October, living with friends, etc etc etc. I was forced to give a 2 week notice to my employer as my "last month" of school was going to demand all of my time. I was in a musical, had finals, and final projects. All that blended together made the concept of a gf very distasteful to me. I did know several cute girls from work, but I had a rule about that. No relations with girls from work, school, or social activites I frequented. This pretty much eliminated my entire dating pool. Just fine with me. I decided to tank this rule with a girl I knew from work. It was just supposed to be a one night thing. It was during that one night thing, that my failure of a proper screening process started to bite me in the ass. Apparently, she was engaged and after this boy went into the military she was devastated and did nothing with other boys until me. She fell "in love". Considering the sex actually was pretty good, I was fine with that to a certain degree. Then the other boys came. It was cool that she was dating again. What wasn't cool was the fact that she cheated on like 4 of those boys with me. Again...sex was good...no cares from the me camp. The spring wore on into summer. I was having sex with her a lot. Then she started having sex with LOTS of other boys. I backed away. She was getting too wild for me. It was then I realized I may have fallen for her. It seemed now the roles were reversed. I was interested in a relationship and she just wanted sex. Renaissance Festival distracted me from her quite a bit, but after that, I did everything to make her happy. I was tearing myself up doing it too. My emotional state was a mess. Finally, in December, I cut her out of my life. I realized she was causing me too much harm. I was wrecked. Holiday stress and this drove me into a very very deep depression. That depression made me reflect on 2003 and I saw all the chaos and pain I sowed. (There are details that do not directly pertain to her omitted for time.) I vowed 2004 to rebuild. It was in 2004 that she and I reconciled a bit. We were on friendly terms. It was while I was dating a girl that graduated with me in 2004 that she called me and told me how much she missed fucking me and she wanted to do it again. I politely declined and stupidly told my gf. That girl now despises her. All of these reasons are covered up by the bravado of the superficial reason of her getting chunky. This girl was very very bad for me. I don't know if she is really any good for me now...but still she haunts my mind...and my heart.

You Always Want What's Bad For You

I find myself wanting a girl that was one of the most destructive relationships I have ever had. It was only sex. I could have lost my home if my roommates at the time weren't so generous because of this girl. I hurt a lot of people because of this girl. I adopted the latent revengeful trait that my birth month holds. I normally can suppress said trait, but not with her. I gave to her until I couldn't give anymore...and then gave her more. I did a number of bad things because of her. It wasn't until one of my friends braved the abyss, reached in, and offered me a way out did I get out of this swirling, chaotic, blackness I was trapped in. She is still one of my periphery friends. Any closer and bad things happen in my life. Despite all this though, I still want her. I know she's bad, and will stay away, but she also made me forget my life and made me feel young and powerful. That actually was one of the problems actually...I ignored my problems around me and they simply grew with neglect.

I just am wondering why I want someone who is so bad for me.

Helpless

I was reaffirmed today that I cannot accept help from others. Everytime I do, it backfires on me. It turns into me owing somebody something or someone getting upset with me. Well, I need to be more strict on this rule again. I cannot let people help me. It's better for everyone.