An Addition To Dreariness

I did forget to mention one aspect of my life that is fairly important. My apologies.

Sex is my drug. I will not be afraid or ashamed to admit that to myself. I may deny it to a certain degree in public, but I know the truth. Physical "love" makes me feel alive again. It makes me feel young. It's almost vampiric really. The younger (within reason and legality) and more beautiful, the better. Sex with someone I am in love with is the best, like a fine wine. That doesn't limit my actions though. Any type of sex will bring euphoria, but it may pass more quickly or feel more hollow depending. Recently, I have not been feeling all that interested in sex. That may partially have to do with a UTI. It may also have something to do with my love life. (Details of which I will not share as they are very complicated and I do not fully understand them completely.) Some of it may also have to do with fear. A couple of years ago, I let my love of sex become a dependancy. I "needed" it. Often. And I didn't even notice I was hurting people around me with this behavior. I never want to do this again. I never want to hurt people again, if I can avoid it. It's odd to be making out with someone and things are progressing well, and my "hunting" instinct takes over only to be overwhelmed with a feeling of dread just before the point of no return. I am certain a couple of girls have noted this recently and may have been dismayed by it. This doing what I don't want. It is maddening. No matter what I do, I hurt myself and/or others. I hope that this passes soon.