You Always Want What's Bad For You

I find myself wanting a girl that was one of the most destructive relationships I have ever had. It was only sex. I could have lost my home if my roommates at the time weren't so generous because of this girl. I hurt a lot of people because of this girl. I adopted the latent revengeful trait that my birth month holds. I normally can suppress said trait, but not with her. I gave to her until I couldn't give anymore...and then gave her more. I did a number of bad things because of her. It wasn't until one of my friends braved the abyss, reached in, and offered me a way out did I get out of this swirling, chaotic, blackness I was trapped in. She is still one of my periphery friends. Any closer and bad things happen in my life. Despite all this though, I still want her. I know she's bad, and will stay away, but she also made me forget my life and made me feel young and powerful. That actually was one of the problems actually...I ignored my problems around me and they simply grew with neglect.

I just am wondering why I want someone who is so bad for me.

Helpless

I was reaffirmed today that I cannot accept help from others. Everytime I do, it backfires on me. It turns into me owing somebody something or someone getting upset with me. Well, I need to be more strict on this rule again. I cannot let people help me. It's better for everyone.