Black Friday

The first Black Friday in over a decade that I didn't have to work on. I really didn't know what to do with myself today.

It did get me thinking, of course. Another holiday season is upon us. A time for joyousness and good will. Unless, of course, you are me. I tend not to be any nicer or more charitable during the holidays. I think that mainly has to do with the fact that I am nice and charitble the rest of the year. I feel no need to "make up" for nice and charity that I may not have done in the other 11 months. I do it year round. All the holidays are for me is a reason to reflect and see how miserable my life is. Lewis Black once said about winter, "...and the next day it's even GREYER...and that's the day you look at your wrists and say 'Maybe I should slit them, to see color.'" My entire life is like a winter. Everything is cold and bleak. I have to pretend to not be that way though, people need positivity to keep functioning. They can't use me as a strength point if they think that I have all these personal demons to fight. Hopefully one day the fight will be over.

An Addition To Dreariness

I did forget to mention one aspect of my life that is fairly important. My apologies.

Sex is my drug. I will not be afraid or ashamed to admit that to myself. I may deny it to a certain degree in public, but I know the truth. Physical "love" makes me feel alive again. It makes me feel young. It's almost vampiric really. The younger (within reason and legality) and more beautiful, the better. Sex with someone I am in love with is the best, like a fine wine. That doesn't limit my actions though. Any type of sex will bring euphoria, but it may pass more quickly or feel more hollow depending. Recently, I have not been feeling all that interested in sex. That may partially have to do with a UTI. It may also have something to do with my love life. (Details of which I will not share as they are very complicated and I do not fully understand them completely.) Some of it may also have to do with fear. A couple of years ago, I let my love of sex become a dependancy. I "needed" it. Often. And I didn't even notice I was hurting people around me with this behavior. I never want to do this again. I never want to hurt people again, if I can avoid it. It's odd to be making out with someone and things are progressing well, and my "hunting" instinct takes over only to be overwhelmed with a feeling of dread just before the point of no return. I am certain a couple of girls have noted this recently and may have been dismayed by it. This doing what I don't want. It is maddening. No matter what I do, I hurt myself and/or others. I hope that this passes soon.

A Dreary Introduction

Hello everyone in the Blogger universe.

I wish I could be more upbeat with my introduction of myself, but I can't.

I'm in my twenties and have been there for quite some time. I am completely unhappy about my age as I am getting too old to be young. The unfortunate part of that is, that I wasted most of my youth feeling old. It's so difficult to change now. I don't know if I will ever feel young because I have NEVER felt young.

I live with a friend in my hometown. I hate my hometown. I feel that it's one of those hometowns where everyone is born here, grows up here, lives here, gets old here, and then dies here. I never wanted that. I moved away to get away from that and after almost a decade away, I am back. I don't hate the guy I live with, although he is very emotionally taxing at times. I also don't actually hate the town. It's a nice place and it is definately what I compare places I live to. I like the convenience of a big city, but hate the "piled on top of everything else" feeling. I like nature, but hate the isolation. So, a nice big suburb close to a major metropolitain area is perfect. I just hate where I live now.

I am in the money trap. I completely despise my money situation. I have debts that need to be paid and only make enough to pay them and get by in life. Most of my youth was wasted by working too much for too little and now I am paying for it, literally.

I have a college degree. After a decade of working for it, I have a degree in the field I love. The unfortunate part is, there's no job market here for it. I think I want to teach. Then again, acting sounds good too. (Theatrical Arts is what my degree is in, BTW.) Whenever I get started on thinking of what the next step is, a billion paths seem to open up and now I am stuck at the crossroad, wondering which one to take. I am afraid that all but one lead to sorrow and now the enigma is which one isn't the path of pain.

My family life is, well...less than good. I mean, don't get me wrong, I am certain my parents love me. I didn't, and still don't, have a broken home. It's just that, they never seemed to care about anything I did. The upshot of that was that I could be my own person. The failing in that is, that I am used to doing things without support and expect the same out of everyone. I am not very gracious unless I try very hard, and that comes off as fake. I also seem to be very aloof about everything. People see me as arrogant, selfish, intimidating, and evil when they first meet me. If people bother to get to know me, they learn that I am none of those things. In fact, people learn that, not only am I the opposite of those things, I may be an extreme opposite.

Speaking of my social life, it makes me sad. I had so many friends at one time in my life, but then the responsibility of friendship grew too much for many to handle and they dropped off. Note that I did not say "they" couldn't handle it. There are several time I couldn't handle it and so dropped off. I used to do so much, and now, I don't. It makes me afraid that I am making myself fit my own preconcieved notion that I am too old. My current relationship situation is chaotic, at best.

As far as my physical appearance goes, I dislike myself. Just not enough to actually put any effort into fixing it. I should. I should make myself healthy. I should replace lost body pieces. I should do something, just can't bring myself to it.

I look back and see what I was and what I took for granted and now see how it has all atrophied. I was young and attractive. Girls threw themselves at me and I chose to stay with one who wasn't for me. I feel broken. The type of broken you can't fix.

So, I am a man filled with sorrow, fear, and hate. That is all I am.